As I clean out yet another bunch of spam mail from my email box, I just have to state a few things to you.

First, I don't care what Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, or whatever little "famous for being pretty" female is up to.  Or wearing.  Or not wearing. Or if they have a video. 

Second, I don't have a Bank of America account, please stop telling me I need to confirm or renew information.  That goes for you to, Mr. "Your Paypal Account has been Hacked".  Or that someone is bidding with my Ebay name.  If any of you really knew me, you wouldn't be sending me emails from an email account with adlkgine@ as the beginning of the address.  And you would be addressing me by name, not by "Dear Customer".

Thirdly, I don't want to buy a cheap watch, purse, jewelry.  I don't care if you do say it's an authentic whatever.  I am not going to purchase one through you, Mr. woneriendlgiblah at bufta.com. 

But most importantly, please dear spam people, please realize that I am a woman.  Therefore, I'm not interested in Viagra, Cialis, or their cheaper Canadian counterpart.  I'm not interested in enlarging my male parts, pleasing the females in my life, or making other men jealous of the size of my "man pole".  Really, who opens an email that contains the words "man pole" in the title anyway? 

Please, make my life easier and take me off your list.  Better yet, make the world a better place by not sending these emails out to anyone ever again.  Use that time to feed the hungry or pick up trash on the side of the highway instead.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 10:35:36 AM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)    Comments [0] 

Welcome to a new feature here on my blog, where I write random letters to complete strangers, or possibly my own children and pets, concerning their behavoirs, etc...enjoy!

Dear Cyclists,

I know that you enjoy spending time riding up and down the hills and curves and straight aways of the lovely country roads outside of Ann Arbor.  I know this because at least once a week and twice on Sundays, I nearly send one of your kind to meet your Maker.

Like this morning - there was the first group of your kind, pedaling up a hill, three across.  Luckily, I saw you with plenty of time to go from 55 mph (the speed limit) down to about 20 mph.  As I drive a  Landtank Suburban, I do need adaquate time to slow down to a crawl.  And luckily, the two cars behind me had enough time to slow down before smashing into my backside, as it took you three a couple minutes to finally get single file racing position. 

My son couldn't believe that anyone would ride three across like that.  But then, as I came around an S curve, made partially blind by all those scenic corn crops, I came upon two more of you, riding side by side.  I tapped on my horn to make my presence known, so that the pair could go into single line formation.  However, while one of you did turn to notice me, the one in the middle of the lane I was trying to drive in, you did not bother to move over.  I had to wait and go around via the other lane. 

Now, I know the arguments. "Share the Road."  "We have every right to be there."  "They're our roads too!" 

Yes.  I get that.  But...

A) There is a BIG difference between your lightweight two wheeled vehicle and my however many tons of four wheel drive Suburban.  If I come around a curve and you're in the middle of the road, I may not be able to stop in time. 

B) Those roads you like to use for a good workout or a Sunday ride are my ways into town.  Our reasons for being on them are completely different.  I have to use them to get to church, grocery stores, my child's doctor appointments.  They are my way of getting around the picturesque area that you like to ride through. 

C) "Share the Road" goes both ways.  That means you don't hog the whole lane.  If you see me coming, please, get over as far as it's safely possible for you to do and I promise not to blow by you too quickly.

D) Don't park on some cute country road to fix your tire.  You will get run over.  It may seem like no one uses them, but they do.  (This one is for my father, who saw this and was glad they were on the other side of the road - for if he'd been coming in the other direction, he would have never saw them in time to stop.)

Let's make a deal - I won't drive through any of the bike lanes in town if you don't make my travels on my roads a big pain in the butt. 

Thanks.

The Woman in the Big SUV

Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:29:21 PM (Eastern Standard Time, UTC-05:00)    Comments [0]